Breaking point

Sometimes you can only handle so much. I want to be the best that I can be as a counselor, as a colleague, a mom, a wife, a friend, and a woman. That task is SUPER difficult to accomplish with any sort of consistency or balance or finesse. Yesterday about 4:00pm I lost it. It all came crashing down into a pile of misplaced emotions: anger, disappointment, embarrassment, frustration... So many tears. There were tears at work, tears at home, tears in the middle of the night, tears in the early morning, tears at breakfast in Perkins. Finally at 10am my husband dealt me a hand of reality, no sugar coating, tough love. "Trista quit making excuses. You're making up bullshit excuses to be mad about that incident, mad about society. That is not what you're mad about. Quit making excuses and just figure out a fix." How does one rebuttal that!? He was so right. I am mad because I am not meeting my own expectations for the counselor, the mom, the woman I need to be or want to be.
And so.. it is time for some changes. I'm not positive where to begin or how to implement but starting today things are going to change.

Challenges of a wife

It is challenging being a wife.
I want to be my husband's cheerleader, lover, support, fantasy, caregiver, listener, friend.. and the list goes on. I try to be all those things every time and all the time.

How do I balance his needs and my needs? When is it ok for me to be disappointed or angry when I am not getting my needs met? Never? Idk. Unfortunately for my husband and I, I tend to pick the WRONG time to feel that way!

As a wife, I want to feel important. I want his attention. I want to believe he is the man I think he is.

1. I want to be wanted. All the time. Not when it is convenient or annoying. I want it especially to be in front of others. Selfish, probably.
2. I want to know if I get upset he will accept that and talk about it, not in return get even more upset and then not get over it and punish me with the silent treatment and turning his back on me.
3. I want to feel like if I were to runaway, he would run after me. I unfortunately know he would not. That sucks.
4. I want to think that if I left, he would be devistated. Would he be, no. But I want him to make me think he would be.
5. I want him for once to come to me after I have first been upset. Why can't I just be allowed to get mad!? It is so unfair.

That is my rant. I have a great marriage. I have a good man for a husband. I still am a woman. I still want to feel like a top priority at times. Is it "stupid baby games," maybe, is it so hard to play the damn game once and a while to make your wife feel wanted, important? As a wife I play the damn game all the time. I try to always show support, show up, put out, be nice to everyone. Throw your wife a bone every once and a while.
End rant.

Be better

I had the privilege today to take off and drive down to Rapid (5hr) to see my childhood, high school, college, and life friend before she and her family move to AZ. Before I left my little brother preached at his church the last sermon before he gets married and we had a pizza picnic in the park. My thoughts have circled round and round and round about God, family, marriage, parenthood... I think I need to just be better. Ever feel that way? Better relationship w god... Read my bible, speak life, love others. Better wife... Love more, be assertive, be forgiving, honor my husband in words and actions, listen. Better mom...listen, be present, be consistent, be supportive, slow to anger, kind and gentle. I want to fulfill all that God has planned. I need to be obedient and present. Forgive me.. Move me... Grow me...

Time and Opportunity Collide

My random life as always brings me into random situations of unknown expectations and opportunities. I believe I have posted that I am taking my masters to attain a Masters Degree in School Counseling. I have felt a shift in my first plan of school and am now considering the possibility of crisis counseling. Along the way I lost a wonderful friend who recently passed away at the age of 84, Willie. After the funeral a couple weeks, I spoke to a friend that is in the funeral business. He suggested maybe I should consider helping and serving people at funerals. Of course I was intrigued. So I sent an email, received a phone call, and showed up at a funeral and ended up helping. Driving a hearse even. Oh where the days can lead us... But this is an opportunity for me to be available and I hope be able to touch the lives of others.

Now I had the privilege of spending time with a couple of performing artists. I helped to set them up to do school assemblies and a couple concerts in the area. It was awesome!  I loved it. One performer opened up his heart and shared what God has done in his life and just rocked it. Blessed me and my students, and others. I loved setting up these events. Love it.

So here is my life currently... wife, mom, grad student, youth group leader, own a few cows, Rodan+Fields consultant, dabble in vinyl graphics, youth ministry team, and funeral worker. What am I doing? none of that really goes together! So what I am considering adding is... an event planner or booking agent.
Here is the thing. I LOVE LOVE LOVE planning events. I coordinated and put together a memorial motorcycle run and loved it. It proved to be fun, productive, and charitable. I love bringing people together for a purpose. So... what has God put in my heart? What is my dream?
My list of successful coordinated things/events....
-high school girls volleyball team (our school never had one)
-community kids program in the park (2001)
-my wedding (2003)
-community youth group in our town (2006)
-birthday parties/anniversaries
-Christmas in July
-Andy Dakken Memorial Bike Run (2012)
-college friend reunion (2013)
The list is small, but it contains things that have turned out good for people outside of myself.

Why all this sorting... Because a new friend of mine said "sometimes you following, achieving, and living your dream is needed by others to achieve or live out their dreams".. My goal, my dream is to love others and help them to achieve their dreams. I love planning events and being apart of things that benefit others. At the end of my life I want people to say Trista loved me, she loved people, she encouraged me, I'm thankful for her support in my life. I think I need to sit down and write out my goals and really take a look at what I am doing and maybe what I should be doing.

What is my dream? What is my goal? 

Going in all directions has got to be much less productive than choosing one direction. 

Starting something and it turns to something else...

I started a detox on January 2nd 2014. I was doing it to lose weight for my brother's wedding out of fear of being a fat bridesmaid! After 5 days I felt a breakthrough... I realized this was more then weight loss. I struggle w being impulsive and having a lack of self-control and discipline in my life. Day 5 I realize that I was in control of my urges and impulses with food and it felt great! I am now on day 9 and have added meat to my detox but have still omitted sugar, grains, and salt. I have found that w this little victory it is easier to have self-control and discipline in other areas as well. I have started reading to my kids every night and spending time in God's word as well as in prayer, while still having time to keep up with my studies. Sometimes we start things with a distorted reason, but it may clear up and turn into something bigger and better. 

God has a plan

I started graduate school in August this past fall and I was so scared! I was scared that I wasn't smart enough to succeed and that I would just be a failure. God has a plan. I have been working so hard to not be a failure! I just want to prove (I thought to others) but I think to myself that I can do this and do it well. God has been so gracious and is opening my heart and my mind. I have 12 grad credits completed w a 4.0. God has created us anew! I believe that God has called me to support others and this avenue of counseling is not by chance but the will of God for my life. I have read that verse a hundred times and today when I read it God spoke to my heart and said "why are you so surprised when you see your grades? This is my plan for your life and you are doing it to the best of your ability."

Be brave. Take steps in new directions and don't be surprised when things go better than you had hoped! He created us to do the good He has planned!

Girls Weekend and reality check

I have so many things going on in my head! Topics I keep thinking about are IDENTITY, MARRIAGE, FRIENDSHIPS, AND LIFESTYLE. This past weekend I got together with girlfriends from LA, Chicago, Kansas City, and myself from ND. We facetime and google chatted our friends from NY and TX. We are spread all over this great country and have been removed from each other directly for like 7 years or so! Yet the minute we were in one another's company we were kindred spirits. There were no guards, no fences, no off-limits. It was open, honest, loving, genuine, and vulnerable. Our common denominator that brought us all together was a small liberal arts bible college in a community none of us were from! We are like minded woman in being real and having a relationship with God that doesn't fit the norm but is honest, maintained, and genuine. Quite honestly just takes my breath away at how God can bring together people that are not likely candidates on paper per say.

IDENTITY- what is your identity? Is it your family, your culture, your education, your career, your economic status, your keeping up with the Jones? Where do you find your identity, not others where do YOU find it? What if it is taken away. How can you develop your identity not by what you do but by who you are?

MARRIAGE- when do you speak up? when do you keep quiet? when is it appropriate to be selfish? when is it time to sacrifice? how do you maintain a healthy sex life? how do 2 people manage money together? how do 2 people stay on the same page and down the same path? When do you draw lines? when do you make ultimatums? how can communication be open and maintained when the circumstances are hard and less than desirable? when do you call it quits? how far do you go to make it work?

FRIENDSHIP- this was the biggest eye opener for me. This one I didn't question as much as I realized what I was missing and searching for. Everyone says life is too busy, get used to it. NO I WILL NOT! I had a weekend with girls that have families and careers and are in masters programs and we found time regardless of busy. It was a priority, not convenient, and not easy. BUT SO WORTH IT! We talked and talked and shared our stories, our ideas, or visions, our lives openly and honestly. Good, bad, ugly, pretty, all of it! Did we make time to txt others, yes.. visit facebook, yes... check emails, yes...take phone calls (personal and work), yes.. do homework, yes. We made time for things we needed to but we filled our day with conversation not activities with distractions. I always am trying to make new friends all the time and it's great but I realized what I am looking for in my search. I desire friendships that are not competitive, are not selfish, and ARE face value, ARE honest, and driven by love and truth. Truth being to tell you if you are maybe off or give you a different perspective. Not agreeing just because of your friendship but able to say "it is not ok, but I get it or I love you anyways." I am not sure how to wrap my head around how lucky I was to find girls like that to begin with. They set a standard for me and that is what I am constantly in search of.

LIFESTYLE- realized no one can actively control your lifestyle except for oneself. We often allow others to dictate our lifestyle, but that too is our choosing. Doing nothing is a choice. I have been lazy and tricked myself into thinking that my lifestyle is this way just because that is how it works. No one can make me exercise. No one can make me eat healthy. We put limits on things and create excuses. One must be driven, creative, and flexible to experience life and have the lifestyle they are desiring.