A little self realization

I have been thinking about my relationships with people. Friends, family, co-workers, students...all people. I think I was created a little off. My "gift" if you will, is the ability to love. I love people. I think about people, I pray for them, I care about them. I don't really like very many people though. I'm not sure if that makes sense but I respect and love people because they are people and they have their unique and individual thinking patterns, experiences, ideas and desires. I am willing to listen and care about all people. However, letting people into the know of my life or my struggles, my beliefs, my opinions is another story. I have very few that I trust or allow to know me. I think it's because the ability to love people who think differently than you is tough and to not judge them or base your opinion of them on that is tough. You would think since I can do it, I would trust others but the truth is because I do love and listen to others, I feel they communicate very unintentionally how limited that ability is. I had someone say, "why do you keep saying you're going to miss me, you like everyone." Those moments I realize that only I know my own thoughts and feelings. "Like" everyone, no! "Love" everyone, yes. Possibly. I am thankful for my circle. I am thankful for those I can trust with my thoughts, trust with my heart, trust with my opinions. Though my inner circle is small, it is strong.

Be the change in your home

Be the Change in the World. I love that! But I am wide awake and 5am thinking about well.. thinking about everything from my students, the future, my past, the movie I went to last night, to church (that I don't attend) to my children and husband. If I desire to "be the change in the world" I probably first need to figure out how to be the "change" in my family. I am FOR sure, not my best at home. Thinking about that though, I'm not sure I'm the best at work either, I'm completely unsure in all honesty where or when I am my best at all! Ugh. Vulnerability, reality, truth. I should be my best at home. If I want to see a change in the world it needs to begin in me and then through me in the every day. God needs to be my center. He needs to be the forefront of my conversation, of my hope, of my day to day. My own children and spouse should see a reflection of Jesus in me if I have any hope of people outside this house seeing Him in me or through me. My prayer, my desire is to be the change in the world, starting with the change being in me, and the change in my home. May love, patience, kindness and hope grow strong in the foundations of this home, of our home, of my home.

Don't beg people to be in your life.

Why is it so hard to let go of people? You are valuable, you are priceless. You are worth more than needing to beg people to be a part of your life. If you have to talk them into your life or apologize when no apology is necessary... You need to move forward and leave them where they are choosing to stay. You are not required to drag people along. Let them stay. You control only you. You can extend your hand or a place n your heart or life, but they have to accept and receive. It is ok to let people go, it is not you! It's them and it's ok!

Personal Responsibility

Lesson needed to be learned. Adults and students when you get in trouble with a parent, a teacher, a principal, law enforcement or a friend, it is important that you understand it is NOT THEIR FAULT. It is your choice or your decision that you decide to break a rule or a law or trust. You are free to choose but not free of consequences of your choice. When you get caught, that is on you. I despise hearing "they got me in trouble." No. YOU got YOU in trouble. You made a poor choice and now have to deal with the consequences of your choice. Take responsibility for your choices.

Called out by 5th graders

I was called out today by a 5th grade class. I said "you guys are being so disrespectful." A student immediately responded, "you have a smile on your face." Another one chimed in, "yeah! You're smiling!" I said, "wow, thank you for letting me know. I always tell students that their face has to match their words or people won't hear what they are saying." Lessoned learned. I schooled myself.

Trista, get it together. Your words need to match your face. You are sending mixed messages.

This is a reminder to me that I need to be more aware of what I am communicating through my body language- kinesics.

Over protective

I was reminded this week of how protective I am of my people. If I let you into my circle, I get super over protective. If I feel something or someone is coming at you even a tish sideways, and I hear about, see it, or find out about it, I literally feel the hair on the back of my neck rise. I cannot handle it. I have to step into it somehow. You wanna do it to me, fine whatever, I will deal, but you better back up off my people.

Breaking point

Sometimes you can only handle so much. I want to be the best that I can be as a counselor, as a colleague, a mom, a wife, a friend, and a woman. That task is SUPER difficult to accomplish with any sort of consistency or balance or finesse. Yesterday about 4:00pm I lost it. It all came crashing down into a pile of misplaced emotions: anger, disappointment, embarrassment, frustration... So many tears. There were tears at work, tears at home, tears in the middle of the night, tears in the early morning, tears at breakfast in Perkins. Finally at 10am my husband dealt me a hand of reality, no sugar coating, tough love. "Trista quit making excuses. You're making up bullshit excuses to be mad about that incident, mad about society. That is not what you're mad about. Quit making excuses and just figure out a fix." How does one rebuttal that!? He was so right. I am mad because I am not meeting my own expectations for the counselor, the mom, the woman I need to be or want to be.
And so.. it is time for some changes. I'm not positive where to begin or how to implement but starting today things are going to change.