Personal Responsibility

Lesson needed to be learned. Adults and students when you get in trouble with a parent, a teacher, a principal, law enforcement or a friend, it is important that you understand it is NOT THEIR FAULT. It is your choice or your decision that you decide to break a rule or a law or trust. You are free to choose but not free of consequences of your choice. When you get caught, that is on you. I despise hearing "they got me in trouble." No. YOU got YOU in trouble. You made a poor choice and now have to deal with the consequences of your choice. Take responsibility for your choices.

Called out by 5th graders

I was called out today by a 5th grade class. I said "you guys are being so disrespectful." A student immediately responded, "you have a smile on your face." Another one chimed in, "yeah! You're smiling!" I said, "wow, thank you for letting me know. I always tell students that their face has to match their words or people won't hear what they are saying." Lessoned learned. I schooled myself.

Trista, get it together. Your words need to match your face. You are sending mixed messages.

This is a reminder to me that I need to be more aware of what I am communicating through my body language- kinesics.

Over protective

I was reminded this week of how protective I am of my people. If I let you into my circle, I get super over protective. If I feel something or someone is coming at you even a tish sideways, and I hear about, see it, or find out about it, I literally feel the hair on the back of my neck rise. I cannot handle it. I have to step into it somehow. You wanna do it to me, fine whatever, I will deal, but you better back up off my people.

Breaking point

Sometimes you can only handle so much. I want to be the best that I can be as a counselor, as a colleague, a mom, a wife, a friend, and a woman. That task is SUPER difficult to accomplish with any sort of consistency or balance or finesse. Yesterday about 4:00pm I lost it. It all came crashing down into a pile of misplaced emotions: anger, disappointment, embarrassment, frustration... So many tears. There were tears at work, tears at home, tears in the middle of the night, tears in the early morning, tears at breakfast in Perkins. Finally at 10am my husband dealt me a hand of reality, no sugar coating, tough love. "Trista quit making excuses. You're making up bullshit excuses to be mad about that incident, mad about society. That is not what you're mad about. Quit making excuses and just figure out a fix." How does one rebuttal that!? He was so right. I am mad because I am not meeting my own expectations for the counselor, the mom, the woman I need to be or want to be.
And so.. it is time for some changes. I'm not positive where to begin or how to implement but starting today things are going to change.

Challenges of a wife

It is challenging being a wife.
I want to be my husband's cheerleader, lover, support, fantasy, caregiver, listener, friend.. and the list goes on. I try to be all those things every time and all the time.

How do I balance his needs and my needs? When is it ok for me to be disappointed or angry when I am not getting my needs met? Never? Idk. Unfortunately for my husband and I, I tend to pick the WRONG time to feel that way!

As a wife, I want to feel important. I want his attention. I want to believe he is the man I think he is.

1. I want to be wanted. All the time. Not when it is convenient or annoying. I want it especially to be in front of others. Selfish, probably.
2. I want to know if I get upset he will accept that and talk about it, not in return get even more upset and then not get over it and punish me with the silent treatment and turning his back on me.
3. I want to feel like if I were to runaway, he would run after me. I unfortunately know he would not. That sucks.
4. I want to think that if I left, he would be devistated. Would he be, no. But I want him to make me think he would be.
5. I want him for once to come to me after I have first been upset. Why can't I just be allowed to get mad!? It is so unfair.

That is my rant. I have a great marriage. I have a good man for a husband. I still am a woman. I still want to feel like a top priority at times. Is it "stupid baby games," maybe, is it so hard to play the damn game once and a while to make your wife feel wanted, important? As a wife I play the damn game all the time. I try to always show support, show up, put out, be nice to everyone. Throw your wife a bone every once and a while.
End rant.

Be better

I had the privilege today to take off and drive down to Rapid (5hr) to see my childhood, high school, college, and life friend before she and her family move to AZ. Before I left my little brother preached at his church the last sermon before he gets married and we had a pizza picnic in the park. My thoughts have circled round and round and round about God, family, marriage, parenthood... I think I need to just be better. Ever feel that way? Better relationship w god... Read my bible, speak life, love others. Better wife... Love more, be assertive, be forgiving, honor my husband in words and actions, listen. Better mom...listen, be present, be consistent, be supportive, slow to anger, kind and gentle. I want to fulfill all that God has planned. I need to be obedient and present. Forgive me.. Move me... Grow me...

Time and Opportunity Collide

My random life as always brings me into random situations of unknown expectations and opportunities. I believe I have posted that I am taking my masters to attain a Masters Degree in School Counseling. I have felt a shift in my first plan of school and am now considering the possibility of crisis counseling. Along the way I lost a wonderful friend who recently passed away at the age of 84, Willie. After the funeral a couple weeks, I spoke to a friend that is in the funeral business. He suggested maybe I should consider helping and serving people at funerals. Of course I was intrigued. So I sent an email, received a phone call, and showed up at a funeral and ended up helping. Driving a hearse even. Oh where the days can lead us... But this is an opportunity for me to be available and I hope be able to touch the lives of others.

Now I had the privilege of spending time with a couple of performing artists. I helped to set them up to do school assemblies and a couple concerts in the area. It was awesome!  I loved it. One performer opened up his heart and shared what God has done in his life and just rocked it. Blessed me and my students, and others. I loved setting up these events. Love it.

So here is my life currently... wife, mom, grad student, youth group leader, own a few cows, Rodan+Fields consultant, dabble in vinyl graphics, youth ministry team, and funeral worker. What am I doing? none of that really goes together! So what I am considering adding is... an event planner or booking agent.
Here is the thing. I LOVE LOVE LOVE planning events. I coordinated and put together a memorial motorcycle run and loved it. It proved to be fun, productive, and charitable. I love bringing people together for a purpose. So... what has God put in my heart? What is my dream?
My list of successful coordinated things/events....
-high school girls volleyball team (our school never had one)
-community kids program in the park (2001)
-my wedding (2003)
-community youth group in our town (2006)
-birthday parties/anniversaries
-Christmas in July
-Andy Dakken Memorial Bike Run (2012)
-college friend reunion (2013)
The list is small, but it contains things that have turned out good for people outside of myself.

Why all this sorting... Because a new friend of mine said "sometimes you following, achieving, and living your dream is needed by others to achieve or live out their dreams".. My goal, my dream is to love others and help them to achieve their dreams. I love planning events and being apart of things that benefit others. At the end of my life I want people to say Trista loved me, she loved people, she encouraged me, I'm thankful for her support in my life. I think I need to sit down and write out my goals and really take a look at what I am doing and maybe what I should be doing.

What is my dream? What is my goal? 

Going in all directions has got to be much less productive than choosing one direction.