self challenge- replacing the F word

It is 3:30am and I cant sleep. I am a rebel of a human, if you dont know that about me. I was lying in bed wide awake thinking about my kids. Thinking about the need to help them cut back on screen time. Thinking about how to encourage them in their faith, in their love for God, in who they are. "Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks." "What you put in, is what comes out." Conversations I need to have with them about self control and conditions of the heart. This led to self reflection on my use of language. I think, because of my rebel heart, I have no issue with common "bad words." My kids know that I frequently use them and I dont care if they do. They also know there are words that I dont use and that I feel are "bad" words. My words are the "R" word, "N" word and "JC" or "GD" and other words that are specifically used to cause hurt or pain. The typical bad words in my opinion are used to express emotion or as adjectives and I just dont think they are that big of a deal. That being said, I have zero issue with the "F" word. I dont even know why it is a bad word. It is a noun, a verb, adverb, adjective... I mean you can use it anywhere. I do believe it is never appropriate to say "F U" to anyone, I always told my kids that is telling someone you hate them the most. The point of all of this is, I realized, people in general feel that is a very bad word, so I need to be aware of that. I use it incredibly freely, it is definitely one of my most used. I need to stop. I have not changed my view on that. I still dont think it is a bad word, but that doesnt change how others view it or me when I use it as often as I do. So... what is a replacement word??? What can be used for any given scenario??? I think I have one! I think I have come up with a word that I think can fit into just about any sentence. Love. I am going to use that in place of the F word and see how that works. I will let ya know. Instead of "ah F", "ah love". I think it will work. Cheers to change. 

almost 40

Idk why things come in and out of focus so frequently as we get older. There are times where you see and feel the vision perfectly clear and then all of a sudden it is all blurry and hard to navigate. I think sometimes being a mom, a wife, a friend,a daughter, a sister, a counselor is challenging to navigate due to the giving and receiving of complexity in needs, beliefs, expectations and situations that surround circumstances. It is hard to ever feel enough,  to feel whole, and to navigate strategies to replenish. I want desperately to be what others need and to have strength and wisdom, love and support for my husband, my kids, my friends, my students,  my brothers, my parents and I always come up feeling short or inadequate. Maybe it is just a misguided feeling, maybe it is only sometimes accurate, idk but the management of it is challenging and depleting. I am not sure how to surrender all that. I guess I am a work in progress and I need to just be ok. If only it were as simple to live it as to say it. -T

Deciding on change

Oh man. Here I am. 39 and trying to make a career choice. I asked God for 3 things. He provided all 3. Now I know the decision that I am going to make, yet the struggle is real. I love my current job. I LOVE my office team, I LOVE our staff. I LOVE middle school. However I LOVE my family more. I am my kids mom and much of my time is in travel, on a different time zone and disconnected from my family. My children's parents both work out of town in opposite directions.

How much is money worth? How much is time worth? What value can you place on opportunity to be active in your kids' lives? How much value goes into being in a work environment that you feel you belong? At what expense, at what cost do we make choices? Important decisions are always challenging.

The messages I have been receiving are- 1. Growth is uncomfortable but important.
2. My gifts, what I bring to the table is good enough and valuable and not in competition.
3. I can make a difference in lives wherever God opens the door.
4. When you ask for signs and they are given, just breathe and have faith.
5. The best things in life are rarely the easy things.

The tears keep rolling because I know I have to make a decision, let it be known and say goodbye or see ya later to many people that I love and appreciate and that makes me sad. I am also scared. Scared of the damn "what ifs."  What if I hate it? What if I mess up on scholarship or college stuff? What if kids don't feel comfortable with me?

Change is hard, especially when it involves leaving something valuable and important behind.

True Friend- Find one, Be one

Ladies, listen up! You need to find yourself a legit, no-smoke-blowin', honest, genuine, loving friend who sees you. Who sees beyond the facade, beyond the words,  beyond the tears. Someone who loves you and knows you, sees your heart. And ladies, you need to be that for someone. There is nothing better in the world, than on a total upside down awful kind of day, receiving love from a woman who sees you, loves you and gets you. I had an emotional, feeling less than enough kind of day and I told my friend. I didnt tell her any specifics because, quite honestly I don't even know what those would have been. I told her I was feeling emotional and sick of feeling like I couldn't be me or the me was not enough or something. The next day, she sent me the text and a picture that I needed.
Ladies, listen up! You need to find yourself a legit, no-smoke-blowin', honest, genuine, loving friend who sees you. Who sees beyond the facade, beyond the words,  beyond the tears. Someone who loves you and knows you, sees your heart. And ladies, you need to be that for someone. There is nothing better in the world, than on a total upside down awful kind of day, receiving love from a woman who sees you, loves you and gets you. I had an emotional, feeling less than enough kind of day and I told my friend. I didnt tell her any specifics because, quite honestly I don't even know what those would have been. I told her I was feeling emotional and sick of feeling like I couldn't be me or the me was not enough or something. The next day, she sent me the text and a picture that I needed.
"Good morning sweet friend. You are such a one of a kind rockstar. I am honored to be your friend. I am not blowing smoke when I say that anytime I am in a discussion of loving people well - I use you as an example. You love people so so we'll. You aren't perfect, but you don't claim to be...and that makes others feel like they have to be either...to be loved by you and loved by Jesus. "

Take the time...

Take time to read. Take time to listen. Take time to process. Take time to breathe. Take time to reflect. Take time to dream. You are worth it. You only have one life, own it.

Today I was listening to the audiobook "Girl, Wash Your Face" by Rachel Hollis.  In one chapter she said, "make a list of your accomplishments." So.. here goes...
1. Earned my master's degree.
2. Owned a successful business (flowers/coffee)
3. School Counselor
4. Married for 15 years
5. 3 children
6. Trained over 120 adults on nonviolent crisis interventions
7. Led a non-denominational youth group
8. Bike run and benefit organization
9. School board member
10. Planning and Zoning president/chair
11. Was a first responder (EMR)
12. Motorcycle and MC License

I think that is my list. What about you? What's your list???

"How can I... When this.."

I have had several moms in several different places in life pose this question that they have or have been trying to answer. I, too, was tormented by the question. "How can I be here, doing this, serving these kids, these people, when my own kid(s), my own family, my life.. is going through all this?" Why do we ask this, why do we feel we failed or we aren't enough? Where does this sense of inadequacy come from? We are doing the best we can with what we have. We love our kid(s), our families. We strive to give them strength, help them find their voice, advocate for them, teach them to advocate for themselves and help them be good, kind independent humans. Somewhere in doing that, we succeeded! We loved and supported our families, we gave them a voice and independence. They are good, kind humans. They are humans with their own mind, own ideas, own curiosities and spirits. We forget that with all those things we have to also give them room to grow, room for error, room for them to learn from bad choices, mistakes and consequences. They help US to grow in grace and patience. They force us to figure out how to balance pride and humility. They help US to be able to do our job from a more effective, genuine, compassionate and empathetic perspective.
The answer to that question is we are here doing what we do, because it is valuable, meaningful work that impacts the lives of those around us. We should be the ones who do it because we are raising or have raised little humans that take risks, love life, are curious, make mistakes, fail, accept responsibility and move forward regardless of how difficult the road may get.
We are here because we fit- they need us and we need them.

Be the parent.

I spent the night dreaming about my son, his classmates, rumors and trying to fix it and find truth. I woke up sorting through my dream. Even in my dream I got on my knees and prayed that God would lift this heavy burden from me because it is out of my hands.

Showering is my quiet think time. As I was getting ready for the day I had a realization. "Be the parent." I have had this said to me several times along with the following. "Who's the parent or you are the parent." Bam, there is the answer, that is the root of my struggle with anger over the last 3 weeks. I made a decision as a parent that now has several life changing consequences attached to it. My son asked for a sleepover. I said no. Against my better judgement, I allowed the sleepover. I let my 14 year old convince me that it was fine and would be fine. He is a child, I am his parent for a reason. My anger is from my personal struggle with boundaries, being decisive and going against my own better judgement.
As a parent we all learn as we go. Unfortunately I am one of those hard learners. I learn everything the hard way and sometimes even then I don't learn. Is this accurate or mind blowing, probably not. It is for me however enlightening. I feel like at least now I realize where the anger and fits of rage are coming from. We have freedom to choose but we do not have freedom from consequences. Life is all about loving, learning and living. I love my sons and my daughter. Lord help me to be diligent in trusting my judgement as a parent and being ok with choices they don't always like. May my yay be yay and my nay be nay.