almost 40

Idk why things come in and out of focus so frequently as we get older. There are times where you see and feel the vision perfectly clear and then all of a sudden it is all blurry and hard to navigate. I think sometimes being a mom, a wife, a friend,a daughter, a sister, a counselor is challenging to navigate due to the giving and receiving of complexity in needs, beliefs, expectations and situations that surround circumstances. It is hard to ever feel enough,  to feel whole, and to navigate strategies to replenish. I want desperately to be what others need and to have strength and wisdom, love and support for my husband, my kids, my friends, my students,  my brothers, my parents and I always come up feeling short or inadequate. Maybe it is just a misguided feeling, maybe it is only sometimes accurate, idk but the management of it is challenging and depleting. I am not sure how to surrender all that. I guess I am a work in progress and I need to just be ok. If only it were as simple to live it as to say it. -T

Deciding on change

Oh man. Here I am. 39 and trying to make a career choice. I asked God for 3 things. He provided all 3. Now I know the decision that I am going to make, yet the struggle is real. I love my current job. I LOVE my office team, I LOVE our staff. I LOVE middle school. However I LOVE my family more. I am my kids mom and much of my time is in travel, on a different time zone and disconnected from my family. My children's parents both work out of town in opposite directions.

How much is money worth? How much is time worth? What value can you place on opportunity to be active in your kids' lives? How much value goes into being in a work environment that you feel you belong? At what expense, at what cost do we make choices? Important decisions are always challenging.

The messages I have been receiving are- 1. Growth is uncomfortable but important.
2. My gifts, what I bring to the table is good enough and valuable and not in competition.
3. I can make a difference in lives wherever God opens the door.
4. When you ask for signs and they are given, just breathe and have faith.
5. The best things in life are rarely the easy things.

The tears keep rolling because I know I have to make a decision, let it be known and say goodbye or see ya later to many people that I love and appreciate and that makes me sad. I am also scared. Scared of the damn "what ifs."  What if I hate it? What if I mess up on scholarship or college stuff? What if kids don't feel comfortable with me?

Change is hard, especially when it involves leaving something valuable and important behind.

True Friend- Find one, Be one

Ladies, listen up! You need to find yourself a legit, no-smoke-blowin', honest, genuine, loving friend who sees you. Who sees beyond the facade, beyond the words,  beyond the tears. Someone who loves you and knows you, sees your heart. And ladies, you need to be that for someone. There is nothing better in the world, than on a total upside down awful kind of day, receiving love from a woman who sees you, loves you and gets you. I had an emotional, feeling less than enough kind of day and I told my friend. I didnt tell her any specifics because, quite honestly I don't even know what those would have been. I told her I was feeling emotional and sick of feeling like I couldn't be me or the me was not enough or something. The next day, she sent me the text and a picture that I needed.
Ladies, listen up! You need to find yourself a legit, no-smoke-blowin', honest, genuine, loving friend who sees you. Who sees beyond the facade, beyond the words,  beyond the tears. Someone who loves you and knows you, sees your heart. And ladies, you need to be that for someone. There is nothing better in the world, than on a total upside down awful kind of day, receiving love from a woman who sees you, loves you and gets you. I had an emotional, feeling less than enough kind of day and I told my friend. I didnt tell her any specifics because, quite honestly I don't even know what those would have been. I told her I was feeling emotional and sick of feeling like I couldn't be me or the me was not enough or something. The next day, she sent me the text and a picture that I needed.
"Good morning sweet friend. You are such a one of a kind rockstar. I am honored to be your friend. I am not blowing smoke when I say that anytime I am in a discussion of loving people well - I use you as an example. You love people so so we'll. You aren't perfect, but you don't claim to be...and that makes others feel like they have to be either...to be loved by you and loved by Jesus. "

Take the time...

Take time to read. Take time to listen. Take time to process. Take time to breathe. Take time to reflect. Take time to dream. You are worth it. You only have one life, own it.

Today I was listening to the audiobook "Girl, Wash Your Face" by Rachel Hollis.  In one chapter she said, "make a list of your accomplishments." So.. here goes...
1. Earned my master's degree.
2. Owned a successful business (flowers/coffee)
3. School Counselor
4. Married for 15 years
5. 3 children
6. Trained over 120 adults on nonviolent crisis interventions
7. Led a non-denominational youth group
8. Bike run and benefit organization
9. School board member
10. Planning and Zoning president/chair
11. Was a first responder (EMR)
12. Motorcycle and MC License

I think that is my list. What about you? What's your list???