"How can I... When this.."

I have had several moms in several different places in life pose this question that they have or have been trying to answer. I, too, was tormented by the question. "How can I be here, doing this, serving these kids, these people, when my own kid(s), my own family, my life.. is going through all this?" Why do we ask this, why do we feel we failed or we aren't enough? Where does this sense of inadequacy come from? We are doing the best we can with what we have. We love our kid(s), our families. We strive to give them strength, help them find their voice, advocate for them, teach them to advocate for themselves and help them be good, kind independent humans. Somewhere in doing that, we succeeded! We loved and supported our families, we gave them a voice and independence. They are good, kind humans. They are humans with their own mind, own ideas, own curiosities and spirits. We forget that with all those things we have to also give them room to grow, room for error, room for them to learn from bad choices, mistakes and consequences. They help US to grow in grace and patience. They force us to figure out how to balance pride and humility. They help US to be able to do our job from a more effective, genuine, compassionate and empathetic perspective.
The answer to that question is we are here doing what we do, because it is valuable, meaningful work that impacts the lives of those around us. We should be the ones who do it because we are raising or have raised little humans that take risks, love life, are curious, make mistakes, fail, accept responsibility and move forward regardless of how difficult the road may get.
We are here because we fit- they need us and we need them.

Be the parent.

I spent the night dreaming about my son, his classmates, rumors and trying to fix it and find truth. I woke up sorting through my dream. Even in my dream I got on my knees and prayed that God would lift this heavy burden from me because it is out of my hands.

Showering is my quiet think time. As I was getting ready for the day I had a realization. "Be the parent." I have had this said to me several times along with the following. "Who's the parent or you are the parent." Bam, there is the answer, that is the root of my struggle with anger over the last 3 weeks. I made a decision as a parent that now has several life changing consequences attached to it. My son asked for a sleepover. I said no. Against my better judgement, I allowed the sleepover. I let my 14 year old convince me that it was fine and would be fine. He is a child, I am his parent for a reason. My anger is from my personal struggle with boundaries, being decisive and going against my own better judgement.
As a parent we all learn as we go. Unfortunately I am one of those hard learners. I learn everything the hard way and sometimes even then I don't learn. Is this accurate or mind blowing, probably not. It is for me however enlightening. I feel like at least now I realize where the anger and fits of rage are coming from. We have freedom to choose but we do not have freedom from consequences. Life is all about loving, learning and living. I love my sons and my daughter. Lord help me to be diligent in trusting my judgement as a parent and being ok with choices they don't always like. May my yay be yay and my nay be nay.

Anger is easier

It's been a rough couple weeks. Experienced a phone call I NEVER imagined I would get. Heard my son's voice and words that I will likely never shake. So... Back it up.. a couple weeks prior to that I looked in the mirror at work and asked God, "What are you preparing me for?" Little did I know the direction that I was headed. I legit thought He was preparing me for leadership, well... Maybe He is, just not even close to the route I had in mind. Back to that phone call. I'm not going to give details right now, but my 14 year old spent the night at a friend's house, there was an accident and that phone call brought Josh and I to meet with him and his friends' family at the local hospital. Oof. I can't even put into words all that we experienced the next 2 weeks. However, I did walk away with a lesson learned. I learned anger is the easy emotion to experience, express and use. I wanted to blame, I wanted to accuse, I wanted to scream, I wanted to throw stuff. I was in and out of rage. I did not do any of those things. Instead, I bit my tongue. I cried. I hugged. I loved. I reached out. It would have been easy to NOT do those things, much easier. I also figured out that the anger was masking my fear. Anger was masking me feeling guilty, some shame, but mostly fear. I went to a training the Monday after and something was said that helped and shifted a change in my perspective. "In failure, in mistakes find the hidden treasure, the hidden lesson." What could I find in all of this? What lessons could I learn, could my son learn, may family learn. What good could come of this tragic accident?
1. God answers prayer and aligns even the hard things to work out for the good. 2. Respect of things, even when you are confident you know and are, be respectful and cautious. 
3. Don't be easily offended, accept others trying to help and see it as that.
4. Show up even when it is painful, difficult and just plain easier not to.
5. Be honest, be patient.
6. Respond not react. The first thing going through your mind is probably not the best thing to share.
7. Give others benefit of the doubt. Allow people to love you. Be vulnerable and trust that others are kinder, stronger and better than you think.
There are lessons, there are treasures in our experiences.
It's been 2 and a half weeks now and we have gotten amazing, miraculous results and news. Yet I am still growing. I'm still practicing responding versus reacting. Still practicing loving rather than running or disengaging. Life is all about learning, loving and being. A major area of learning for me has been easy is rarely best. Anger is easier than facing facts, disengaging is easier than engaging or reaching out, finding fault and placing blame is easier than taking responsibility or offering forgiveness or extending grace.

Because I'm Worth It (bIWi)

Well. You should read or listen to the book Daring Greatly by Brene Brown, be married, have 3 kids (2 which are teen and pre teen), battle with insecurity, vulnerability, and your beliefs not line up with "everyone" elses if you really want to know where I am coming from with this next thought.

bIWi- because I'm Worth it.
My challenge to myself today is -how can I live, how can I love, how can I grow- if I choose to face things/people/experiences if I add the words because I'm Worth it, to it.
*Give- because I'm Worth it.
*Love- because I'm Worth it.
*Set up boundaries, because I'm Worth it.
*End relationships, because I'm Worth it.
*Begin new relationships, because I'm Worth it.
*Have fun, because I'm Worth it.
*Try something new, because I'm Worth it.
*Fail, it's ok! I'm Worth it.
*Accept love, because Im worth it.
*Forgive and accept forgiveness, because I'm Worth it.
*Eat healthy because I'm Worth it.
*Dress up because I'm Worth it.
*Wear sweats, because I'm Worth it.
*Grace (give and receive) because I'm Worth it!
*Respect, because I'm Worth it.

Choose your words and ownership. Example- I am not a bad friend. I am a good friend that made a poor choice. I am trying something new, I am not dumb, I just haven't done this before.

You are worth it! What can you do? What would you do?

If you think it, say it- compliment!

I got the best compliment today! I saw Toni at the coffee shop in Richardton this afternoon. I walked over and greeted her and she said "Oh Trista Hi! It always makes my heart feel happy when I see you!" It was completely unexpected and made me feel so special! It was so sincere and kind. Just made my day! She didn't have to say it, but I'm so appreciative that she did! If you think something positive like that of someone, tell them!

Routine

I think it is time to try something new. At 38, I have found myself feeling as though I am constantly drowning in emotions, everyday clutter, dishes, laundry, being tired...and the list goes on. I have almost prided myself on living in chaos, like that's the way I like it and want it. I think I need to try something new.

Routine. 9:45 everyone clean up our living space. 10:00 in bed. 5:45 wake up, get out of bed even if tired, exercise. Get a calendar and use it. Make a plan to get things done.

Boundaries. Yes means yes, no means no.  Say what I need. Make time for God, everyday.

Give kids DAILY chores. Everyone in our house has an important role. Work together. Laundry, living space, bedrooms, dishes.

A little self realization

I have been thinking about my relationships with people. Friends, family, co-workers, students...all people. I think I was created a little off. My "gift" if you will, is the ability to love. I love people. I think about people, I pray for them, I care about them. I don't really like very many people though. I'm not sure if that makes sense but I respect and love people because they are people and they have their unique and individual thinking patterns, experiences, ideas and desires. I am willing to listen and care about all people. However, letting people into the know of my life or my struggles, my beliefs, my opinions is another story. I have very few that I trust or allow to know me. I think it's because the ability to love people who think differently than you is tough and to not judge them or base your opinion of them on that is tough. You would think since I can do it, I would trust others but the truth is because I do love and listen to others, I feel they communicate very unintentionally how limited that ability is. I had someone say, "why do you keep saying you're going to miss me, you like everyone." Those moments I realize that only I know my own thoughts and feelings. "Like" everyone, no! "Love" everyone, yes. Possibly. I am thankful for my circle. I am thankful for those I can trust with my thoughts, trust with my heart, trust with my opinions. Though my inner circle is small, it is strong.

Be the change in your home

Be the Change in the World. I love that! But I am wide awake and 5am thinking about well.. thinking about everything from my students, the future, my past, the movie I went to last night, to church (that I don't attend) to my children and husband. If I desire to "be the change in the world" I probably first need to figure out how to be the "change" in my family. I am FOR sure, not my best at home. Thinking about that though, I'm not sure I'm the best at work either, I'm completely unsure in all honesty where or when I am my best at all! Ugh. Vulnerability, reality, truth. I should be my best at home. If I want to see a change in the world it needs to begin in me and then through me in the every day. God needs to be my center. He needs to be the forefront of my conversation, of my hope, of my day to day. My own children and spouse should see a reflection of Jesus in me if I have any hope of people outside this house seeing Him in me or through me. My prayer, my desire is to be the change in the world, starting with the change being in me, and the change in my home. May love, patience, kindness and hope grow strong in the foundations of this home, of our home, of my home.

Don't beg people to be in your life.

Why is it so hard to let go of people? You are valuable, you are priceless. You are worth more than needing to beg people to be a part of your life. If you have to talk them into your life or apologize when no apology is necessary... You need to move forward and leave them where they are choosing to stay. You are not required to drag people along. Let them stay. You control only you. You can extend your hand or a place n your heart or life, but they have to accept and receive. It is ok to let people go, it is not you! It's them and it's ok!