"How can I... When this.."

I have had several moms in several different places in life pose this question that they have or have been trying to answer. I, too, was tormented by the question. "How can I be here, doing this, serving these kids, these people, when my own kid(s), my own family, my life.. is going through all this?" Why do we ask this, why do we feel we failed or we aren't enough? Where does this sense of inadequacy come from? We are doing the best we can with what we have. We love our kid(s), our families. We strive to give them strength, help them find their voice, advocate for them, teach them to advocate for themselves and help them be good, kind independent humans. Somewhere in doing that, we succeeded! We loved and supported our families, we gave them a voice and independence. They are good, kind humans. They are humans with their own mind, own ideas, own curiosities and spirits. We forget that with all those things we have to also give them room to grow, room for error, room for them to learn from bad choices, mistakes and consequences. They help US to grow in grace and patience. They force us to figure out how to balance pride and humility. They help US to be able to do our job from a more effective, genuine, compassionate and empathetic perspective.
The answer to that question is we are here doing what we do, because it is valuable, meaningful work that impacts the lives of those around us. We should be the ones who do it because we are raising or have raised little humans that take risks, love life, are curious, make mistakes, fail, accept responsibility and move forward regardless of how difficult the road may get.
We are here because we fit- they need us and we need them.

Be the parent.

I spent the night dreaming about my son, his classmates, rumors and trying to fix it and find truth. I woke up sorting through my dream. Even in my dream I got on my knees and prayed that God would lift this heavy burden from me because it is out of my hands.

Showering is my quiet think time. As I was getting ready for the day I had a realization. "Be the parent." I have had this said to me several times along with the following. "Who's the parent or you are the parent." Bam, there is the answer, that is the root of my struggle with anger over the last 3 weeks. I made a decision as a parent that now has several life changing consequences attached to it. My son asked for a sleepover. I said no. Against my better judgement, I allowed the sleepover. I let my 14 year old convince me that it was fine and would be fine. He is a child, I am his parent for a reason. My anger is from my personal struggle with boundaries, being decisive and going against my own better judgement.
As a parent we all learn as we go. Unfortunately I am one of those hard learners. I learn everything the hard way and sometimes even then I don't learn. Is this accurate or mind blowing, probably not. It is for me however enlightening. I feel like at least now I realize where the anger and fits of rage are coming from. We have freedom to choose but we do not have freedom from consequences. Life is all about loving, learning and living. I love my sons and my daughter. Lord help me to be diligent in trusting my judgement as a parent and being ok with choices they don't always like. May my yay be yay and my nay be nay.

Anger is easier

It's been a rough couple weeks. Experienced a phone call I NEVER imagined I would get. Heard my son's voice and words that I will likely never shake. So... Back it up.. a couple weeks prior to that I looked in the mirror at work and asked God, "What are you preparing me for?" Little did I know the direction that I was headed. I legit thought He was preparing me for leadership, well... Maybe He is, just not even close to the route I had in mind. Back to that phone call. I'm not going to give details right now, but my 14 year old spent the night at a friend's house, there was an accident and that phone call brought Josh and I to meet with him and his friends' family at the local hospital. Oof. I can't even put into words all that we experienced the next 2 weeks. However, I did walk away with a lesson learned. I learned anger is the easy emotion to experience, express and use. I wanted to blame, I wanted to accuse, I wanted to scream, I wanted to throw stuff. I was in and out of rage. I did not do any of those things. Instead, I bit my tongue. I cried. I hugged. I loved. I reached out. It would have been easy to NOT do those things, much easier. I also figured out that the anger was masking my fear. Anger was masking me feeling guilty, some shame, but mostly fear. I went to a training the Monday after and something was said that helped and shifted a change in my perspective. "In failure, in mistakes find the hidden treasure, the hidden lesson." What could I find in all of this? What lessons could I learn, could my son learn, may family learn. What good could come of this tragic accident?
1. God answers prayer and aligns even the hard things to work out for the good. 2. Respect of things, even when you are confident you know and are, be respectful and cautious. 
3. Don't be easily offended, accept others trying to help and see it as that.
4. Show up even when it is painful, difficult and just plain easier not to.
5. Be honest, be patient.
6. Respond not react. The first thing going through your mind is probably not the best thing to share.
7. Give others benefit of the doubt. Allow people to love you. Be vulnerable and trust that others are kinder, stronger and better than you think.
There are lessons, there are treasures in our experiences.
It's been 2 and a half weeks now and we have gotten amazing, miraculous results and news. Yet I am still growing. I'm still practicing responding versus reacting. Still practicing loving rather than running or disengaging. Life is all about learning, loving and being. A major area of learning for me has been easy is rarely best. Anger is easier than facing facts, disengaging is easier than engaging or reaching out, finding fault and placing blame is easier than taking responsibility or offering forgiveness or extending grace.